WTF?!?

We exiled the cats a few months ago in order to pacify my husband, who was on animal overload.

[Monday night]
Me: Honey, it's freezing outside. We need to make them a warm box with a heat lamp or something, or we need to let them inside. 
Danny: They're animals.  They'll find a warm spot in the garage and curl up together.  They're fine.

[Tuesday morning]
Grace: Mom, Daddy said the cats can come in! I promised I would clean the litter box. 


[Wednesday morning]
I didn't sleep half the night because a cat kept trying to sleep on my head.  But hey, Dad got to be the hero.

Meanwhile...

5 am

[boy-child slinks into bedroom]
Cole: I just puked.  [crawls into my bed]
Me: In your bed? 
Cole: No.  
Me: Is it on you?  
Cole: No.  


6:30 am
I discover where the puke occurred.  It's dried all over the bathroom floor, wall, door, toilet, rugs, etc.  He apparently tried to catch it, and it sprayed. You know, like when you put your thumb over the end of the water hose?  (What do you think the chances are that he didn't have puke on him when he crawled into my bed??) And clearly, the child is not going to school. Fuck me.

Wait, Danny's off today.  He's in charge of the puking.  Yay!

8 am
I attempt to work amidst the Holiday Hell in my living room.  Nope, can't seem to find the time to finish decking the goddamned halls...  


9:45 am
Danny leaves to go mountain biking.  Not to worry, though, he'll be back in 5 hours.  Or so.  I become homicidally filled with rage.  The dried puke is still all over the bathroom.  I told him about it already.  Clearly, it's a non-issue.  I publicly blast him for not staying home on facebook.  [Cuz I'm a grown up.] 

10:30 am
I'm trying to work, and my internet goes out.  The router starts to intermittently reset itself, each time causing me to lose what I'm working on and have to sign back in to everything.  With the software I work on requiring a constant internet connection, it's a productivity nightmare.

11 am

Cole is puking again.

[finishes and flings himself down on couch]

Me: You okay? 
Cole:  Yeah. 
Me:  Hey, the upside to this?  You're not hungry, at least.  [He's a perpetual eating machine.]
Cole: Yes, I am.  What's for lunch? 

Seriously?

Is Mercury in retrograde or something??  Oh, shit.  That's next week.  We're in trouble, people.

By noon, I'm ready to start drinking the spiked cider I made last night. Instead, I'm trying to write it out while I wait for my internet connection to come back again...

3:20 pm - Update:  Something's really going on in the universe today.  Girl child came home with her first conduct mark EVER.  The world must be ending.